Unprepared

I haven't written about my Dad in a while. Partially because life has been going 1000 miles per hour, partially because my mom has set up a Caringbridge site (http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/poppyjoe), partially because I feel a lot of things yet I don't know how to put them into words. It's hard for me to talk about it...in fact I often find that I can't talk about it. I get choked up, fight back the tears, and just stop talking completely. 

But there are somethings you can't avoid, like dying. It happens to everyone. It will happen to him. It will happen to me. 

It's going to happen. Sooner than later. I'm going to have to say good bye. How do you say good bye? As I drove home from the hospital last night, I realized I feel so very unprepared. How do you spend the last days, weeks, (hopefully) months with someone? How do you make the most of that time? Why do I feel the need to know how he feels...Is he mad that this is happening to him? Is he scared of dying and what happens afterwards? Does he have regrets? Have I made him proud?

I wish there was a checklist of some sorts. All I can do is make myself available to my parents, sit with them in the hospital, track down Key Lime pie when the craving hits him, sometimes we chat, sometimes we sit quietly, sometimes we nap.

But when it's over, I don't feel like it was quality enough. Maybe it's because I can't fix this. I can't make the cancer go away. No one can and trust me - they've tried. No matter what we do or don't do, the outcome is the same and that is a discouraging feeling.

If you've followed my blog for any amount of time, you know that I'm very realistic and practical. I do know miracles happen. They happen everyday. But I also know that without a miracle what the outcome will be.