Good or Great?

Yesterday I had a telephone appointment with my doctor for a prescription refill. 

She asked, "How are you?"

"I'm good," I said. 

Clarifying, she asked, "Good or Great?"

"Good. I don't think I'm ever great, even when things are really good. That's just not me."

"You know as long as you continue to judge yourself and strive for perfection, you'll never be great. Perfection doesn't exist."

Yeah, okay. Thanks. I get it. We've been working on this for a year now. Honestly, I'm medicated to the point that I'm "open to getting it", but I only get it because I'm medicated. 

Well, that was yesterday...
 

It's cold and windy out there today. This morning I noticed the skies...they are oh so blue today. There is barely a cloud in the sky. It's crisp out there; just like I like it during the colder part of the year. I noticed the trees aren't as bare as they have been in years' past. My goodness, it's beautiful out there. I can't remember the last time I thought that. Not only thought it, but felt it.

Side story: The other day Savannah looked at an almost bare tree and said "those leaves are so pretty." Those leaves, they were dead and barely hanging on, but she took the time to notice them. And who is to say dead leaves aren't pretty? 

I've spent years (and I mean a lot of years) analyzing everything in my life until I no longer find joy in things. 

Hobbies...Too expensive and time consuming. 

Girlfriends...Overrated. Judgmental.  Drama. 

My body...Never good enough. Ever. 

Money...There is never enough.

When you live like that even the good stuff starts gets overshadowed by the bad. When Caedmon was 5 days old I remember crying to my Mom that he was already 5 days old. Instead of celebrating his life, I was crying over the fact that it meant I had 5 less days with him. 

Seriously!  I've made this crap up. All of it. Made up. Fictional. Not real. Only exists in my head. 

Hobbies can be expensive. Girlfriends can bring drama. I might just have some love handles. There are plenty of people with more money than me and always will be. But none of this is wrong or bad. It just is. Instead of letting that dark cloud dictate my life, I should focus on the benefits that can be gained.

I have analyzed every disagreement, every disappointment, and every fear to the brink of paralysis. In turn, I've convinced myself that the only safety I have is myself. You see, if I protect myself from everything and everyone, then I'm safe. But the moment my compound is compromised, I am no longer safe. My imperfections are made public. I'm not perfect anymore; I'm not great anymore. I'm not even good. I might be good on the outside, but on the inside I'm floundering, I'm judging, I'm hating, I'm name calling.

This "good" is no place to live and I've spent too many years in this place.

This morning I decided I get to be Great! 

Why have I wasted so much time fussing over the little things, working myself up, creating an anxious heart, and a huge headache to boot? 

I have a marriage that works, most days. And the days where there is misfire, it only makes the good great days that much greater. But he loves and respects me. And I him.

I have the best parents. They're supportive and understanding. They've watched me make (and continue to make) mistakes, but they still forgive me and love me.

I have been blessed with two awesome kids. It still blows my mind that these two little people have always been meant for me. Mind blowing.

I have sisters that always provide the best insight and get all my "'isms."

I have a job with a company that allows me to balance my job with my family's needs. 

I have my health. My body works the way it should and that's a nice thing to have.

I have money in the bank. A car in the garage. A roof over my head.

I am loved. I am able to love. 

And there's God, we can't forget Him.

These are the things that matter. This is where my energy should be focused, rather than on life's disappointments. There will always be disappointments in life.  There will always be circumstances out of our control. Learning to accept these things and not letting them consume you is when you find the beauty.  

Learn to be vulnerable; embrace vulnerability.

I'm not good. I am Great.