A Very Bad Dream

{I apologize now. I do not now the direction that this blog entry will go and it may not make much sense in the end, I just know my heart is heavy...}

 

 

You know those first few moments of wakefulness, when you're not asleep, nor awake? When your mind is beginning to wake up and you slowly start to remember the world around you? Something bad happened yesterday. Oh right, I remember. No, wait...that was a really, horrible, awful dream, right?

 

 

I imagine the parents of the children lost in yesterday's senseless act had a similar thought process this morning. Except for them, the saddness, disbelief, anger, helplessness, and gut wrenching, nothing in the world will ever fix this hole in my heart pain stabbed them unlike anything else they've ever felt. I only assume this because that was the same process that I went through this morning when I awoke.
 

With both of  my children tucked safely in their beds, their hearts beating, and who will {God willing} wake any moment now to begin another day, my heart aches for ...

• Those beds that lay empty;
• The blankets and lovies that will never be wrapped in their master's warm touch again;
• The stockings that will hang empty on Christmas Day;
• The packages that will show up on the parent's doorstep filled with Santa gifts that will never be opened by tiny, excited hands;
• The little pajamas that lay discarded on the bedroom floor from the previous morning; the last time their parents heard their voices, smelled their skin, felt their warm flesh...

The news was sickening. After about ten minutes of watching it, I asked Matt to turn it off. The pit in my stomach and the saddness in my heart was more than I could bare.

As a parent, this is one of my worst fears. The death of one of my children. While I would never want my children to suffer, at least if it's a terminal illness, I'm there with them until the end. Grapsing their hand, stroking their hair, and holding their little bodies until their hearts stop beating. I'm there to tell them it will be okay and that Heaven is a wonderful place and I know s/he will love it there.

But yesterday...yesterday was not okay. Before he took their lives, they got to witness something that no child ever should. Evil and hatred, fear and murder. They didn't have their parents there to hold their hand, to protect them, to tell them Heaven is a wonderful place and they will love it there.

Do you know what suprised me the most (other than the obvious)? As I was loading groceries in the car last night I was trying to sort all this out, in my head and my heart, and so I turned my thoughts to God. I tried to find solace in my Faith.  Before my heart could be filled and soothed with God's word, the worst thought of my life crossed my mind. God is the creator of all things, right? He's the beginning and the end, right?  After all, "God's will, be done," right? Was it God's plan that these children die in such a horrible way? Was it God's plan that their parents and loved ones suffer?

Shocked by my own thoughts, I was now facing a different kind of sadness: loss of my Faith, loss of my belief that God is Good.

As I returned my shopping cart, I thought to myself "that's not right; it can't be," but in that moment I couldn't see how this "Good God" could have been there on such a tragic day.

This morning, as I type this post that started out with very little direction, I realize that what happened yesterday was not an act of God. God is not an evil God and yesterday, that was pure Evil. God was present. He was present in the Janitor who ran around, risking his own life, to warn teachers and children. He was present in the Teachers who kept calm and tried to shield the children from the fear and devastation all around, despite their own pounding hearts. He was present in the Officers that quickly arrived, secured the parameter, and helped  to protect the survivors. He was present in the community that quickly came together for a candle light vigil at the local church and in the community and nation that will continue to mourn, together. And maybe, hopefully, He was present when their parents couldn't be and comforted those children as they took their final breaths.

That's the God I know. I know this doesn't take the pain away nor make it easier to comprehend, but it's something and rest assured that God is good and God's will, it will be done. We may not know what it looks like right now, but we will know it when we see it...and I know this because I believe.