When news came that Nicole had taken her life, well…it was a numbing, paralyzing feeling. I can’t speak for Matt or his family, I can only tell my story. Her suicide was difficult for me to cope with in a different way than it was for Matt and his family. In the process of planning her service we decided to do a collage in memory of Nicole. As I sorted through pictures and pictures of Nicole and her family, it became clear to me, whatever vices Nicole fought, she was someone’s daughter. She was just another little girl, like the one I have at home, who just wanted love, acceptance and security. In the end, her mental illness took her life just like any other terminal disease.
For weeks I struggled wondering if she had gone to Heaven. She wasn’t a believer in religion and God. My God isn’t a cruel God. He loves us unconditionally, right?. It wasn’t until we received a transcription of her suicide note where I found the peace and the closure I needed to answer my last question…yes, she had gone to Heaven.
HeeJun’s death was another one that I struggled to find peace with for a long time. HeeJun was one of the strongest, most diligent Christians I had ever met. From the first time I met him there was no doubt that he had an unbreakable faith. He had a great life and a wonderful wife; they had wonderful jobs, took adventurous vacations, and he had a love for motorcycles.
His interest in motorcycles was one that he shared with Matt for a short time. I remember the first time Matt said HeeJun was coming over to ride his motorcycle….HeeJun? A motorcycle? Did I bump my head? They seemed like opposites to me. HeeJun was too smart to ride a motorcycle. He’d seen how unlucky Matt had been with motorcycles. For HeeJun it was love at first ride for him and sadly his last moments were spent on a motorcycle. The news of his accident stabbed me with so many questions, so much wonder, and so much pain. Not just because HeeJun had lost his life, but Matt has lost his best friend and HeeJun’s young wife had lost her love.
Being a wife, his death really hit home for me. Tragedy struck and uprooted Erica’s entire life in a matter of minutes. Why would God do this? To HeeJun of all people, one of the strongest Christians ever. He was only 30 years old. Healthy. A good guy. He was married and they were trying to have a baby. Why HeeJun? What were his last thoughts? Did he experience pain? How will Erica survive? Will she ever be happy again? Would she leave us too? Would it pain her too much to be around us? Crap, the kids…it’s not fair that we have two and she has none. No little one to carry on a part of HeeJun.
The more questions I asked myself, the more I began to accept what had happened. HeeJun was called home. God needed him and in that moment there was not a better person to sit next to God than him. No this is not what he would have wanted Erica to go through; never would he have wanted her to suffer such pain, confusion and to question God. But if he had to die, he did it doing what he loved. While it doesn’t take the pain away from Erica, it doesn’t bring back Mrs. Kim’s son or Bomi’s brother, and it doesn’t stop the tears that Matt cries occasionally late at night, it does provide me with a sense of peace.
Stay tuned…
For weeks I struggled wondering if she had gone to Heaven. She wasn’t a believer in religion and God. My God isn’t a cruel God. He loves us unconditionally, right?. It wasn’t until we received a transcription of her suicide note where I found the peace and the closure I needed to answer my last question…yes, she had gone to Heaven.
HeeJun’s death was another one that I struggled to find peace with for a long time. HeeJun was one of the strongest, most diligent Christians I had ever met. From the first time I met him there was no doubt that he had an unbreakable faith. He had a great life and a wonderful wife; they had wonderful jobs, took adventurous vacations, and he had a love for motorcycles.
His interest in motorcycles was one that he shared with Matt for a short time. I remember the first time Matt said HeeJun was coming over to ride his motorcycle….HeeJun? A motorcycle? Did I bump my head? They seemed like opposites to me. HeeJun was too smart to ride a motorcycle. He’d seen how unlucky Matt had been with motorcycles. For HeeJun it was love at first ride for him and sadly his last moments were spent on a motorcycle. The news of his accident stabbed me with so many questions, so much wonder, and so much pain. Not just because HeeJun had lost his life, but Matt has lost his best friend and HeeJun’s young wife had lost her love.
Being a wife, his death really hit home for me. Tragedy struck and uprooted Erica’s entire life in a matter of minutes. Why would God do this? To HeeJun of all people, one of the strongest Christians ever. He was only 30 years old. Healthy. A good guy. He was married and they were trying to have a baby. Why HeeJun? What were his last thoughts? Did he experience pain? How will Erica survive? Will she ever be happy again? Would she leave us too? Would it pain her too much to be around us? Crap, the kids…it’s not fair that we have two and she has none. No little one to carry on a part of HeeJun.
The more questions I asked myself, the more I began to accept what had happened. HeeJun was called home. God needed him and in that moment there was not a better person to sit next to God than him. No this is not what he would have wanted Erica to go through; never would he have wanted her to suffer such pain, confusion and to question God. But if he had to die, he did it doing what he loved. While it doesn’t take the pain away from Erica, it doesn’t bring back Mrs. Kim’s son or Bomi’s brother, and it doesn’t stop the tears that Matt cries occasionally late at night, it does provide me with a sense of peace.
Stay tuned…
~ Amanda
1 comment:
sigh. beautiful. i hate that other people have to hurt, too. I find myself saying sorry to you and to Matt. Wish I could take your pain away.
One of the only things helps me drag myself out of bed is knowing that he is with his Savior. and he was looking forward to that.
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