Confessions...

Confessions...hormones... pity party. They maybe all be one in the same when it comes to this blog entry.

Do you ever just not feel "yourself?" Then you wonder what exactly feeling like "yourself" feels like. And you can't remember what it feels like to feel like "yourself."

I just don't feel like myself. Maybe it's been the whirlwind last month. Maybe it's the pregnancy. Maybe it's just a funk. Maybe it's because I tapered off the Wellbutrin. Maybe I'm just accepting I'm painfully boring.

I've been yelling at the kids, a lot lately. I'd like to say it's because I'm trying to pack the house and my kids are mini hoarders. Every time I put something in a trash bag, they pull it back out. Or as I'm packing they're running circles around me, literally. Plus they've been together 24/7 the last 2+ weeks and they are getting on each other's nerves.  I feel horrible about the yelling, but what makes me feel even worse is feeling like I don't like them too much, or myself for that matter. Yay, for boat loads of guilt. :(

We joined a pool this year. We took a portion of our tax refund money and joined a pool. Awesome, right? No, not really. Nothing makes me want to rip my skin off more than getting into a bathing suit. And now I get to do it a couple times a week. It's as if there is this rage deep down inside me that boils up every time I slide on my swim suit. 

Matt was going through some old pictures of when we first started dating yesterday. He called me over, showed me a few pictures of me and asked what happened..."You used to be so happy." I'm happy now. Happy'ish. Happy enough. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else other than where I am now. I like our life. But it made me think. It's not just me, him, no mortgage, no jobs, no bills, no kids, no obligations, no responsibility. It's no longer just me and 15 hour semesters. I slept when I wanted, ate when I wanted, spent what I wanted, did what I wanted. It's not that easy now. I'm more of the "heavy" in our marriage - I'm the one to stay home while Matt goes out. I'm the one that does the drop offs and pick ups. I'm the one that does the shopping and bill paying. I'm the one that arranges everyone's schedule. Somewhere along the way I decided it was just easier to put my "wants" aside, and take care of everything else. It's a bit of a martyr complex. But I feel it's also out of necessity. I'm just so tired. Of everything. All the time. 

I'd ask my girlfriends if they feel this way, but even those are limited these days. Which then leads me to wonder, "is it me?"  I am really bad at making small talk. Like horribly bad. I'd rather hold up a wall for a whole two hour birthday party, than make conversation with the other moms.  What happened to my personality? I mean unless you want me to talk to you about loose teeth, constipated kids, pregnancy symptoms, or PerezHilton...I've got nothing for you.  My personality, what little there ever was, has been sucked dry. I try to remember to ask others about themselves (because we all know people love talking about themselves), but some days I can't even remember to pack my lunch. 

I see pictures of people on Facebook and they look so cute in their dresses, wedge heels, jewelry, and whatnot. If it's not cotton, I'm not wearing it. Whatever happened to splurging a little and feeling good about yourself for a little while? Instead, I can't even find the time (or maybe it's the motivation) to get my eyebrows waxed and I can't remember the last time I bought something for myself that was not from Old Navy or Target. And even when I do that, I feel guilty for spending the money on ME.

I feel this way now...and I'm going to have a third child. This kid has no chance. What am I doing? 

Any other momma's out there feel like this? What do you do to get out of your "funk"? I'm still going to the gym (albeit I've dialed it down quite a bit).