Ambivalence

What are we doing wrong?

Where did we go wrong?

Have we done too much for him?

Maybe we haven't done enough?

Have I been too preoccupied?

Am I not present enough?

Why is he so mad at us?

Why can’t we get through to him?

I know he’s only six. I know childhood is hard. I remember being an angry kid. I also remember hating how I felt inside.

I sit back and watch. I watch him struggle with the same thing. He’s a six year old trapped in a world that’s confusing … and big, and loud, and overwhelming, and the expectations are just too great … and he’s just so small and vulnerable.

Will he survive? Will he thrive? Will he be okay when he is finally on the other side? The journey to the other side will be long, and hard, and the world can be a hurtful place.

Have we provided him with enough support?

Does he know how much we love him?
Are we not patient enough?

Does he know we only want him to be the best Caedmon he can be?

I want to make it better. I want him to be that easy–go–lucky kid I once knew. I want to protect him from the disappointments of life but in doing so, it would only make his journey that much harder and longer and overwhelming. Letting him learn life’s lessons is like reliving my most insecure years all over again.

Will he always be angry with us?

Will we be able to meet his needs?

Will he know we'll always be his safe place?

"To understand your parents' love you must raise children yourself." 

- Chinese Proverb