I have no idea where this post is coming from other than thinking multiple times a day about stuff I want to share with you {whoever you are}. Some of it's kid related, some of it work, some of it's about marriage, but most of it's just about me - well honestly it's all about me {isn't it always?}.
Caedmon starts school in less than a month. I didn't think I'd be really upset over this, but the closer August 25th gets, the more in my head I become. I think it has to do with the fact that it's been six years since I found out I was pregnant with him. Six years. Where has that time gone? Have I made the most of every day with him? Will he look back on his childhood and think "my mom sucked at..." or "I wish my mom had done .... better." Let's face it, I know I'm not the best mother. My patience runs thin more often than I care to admit, I say bad words in front of the kids {his most recent expletive is damn}, I'm too preoccupied with keeping the house clean, working, or hell {since I'm being honest}, facebooking to listen to his stories about Star Wars and Battle Force 5 characters. I'm aware of the fact that he's five and a half, his childhood is passing me by, yet I don't know why I can't find it in me to put the vacuum away, close the laptop, tell myself work ends at 4pm and just BE with him?
Savannah, dear sweet, eager to please, little sister Sav. She's three. THREE. She's been on this earth less than four years. Sure she's got enough spunk and edge to last her a lifetime, but I often {too often} let those things overshadow that tiny, little girl full of innocence, insecurity {yes I can see it in her already}, and imagination. I've mentioned here before about how she whines and whimpers a majority of the time when she's around me. Finally the other night after having a weepy little girl follow me from room to room, standing at my feet at every turn, I asked her {probably in a not nice tone, okay...I know it was in a not nice tone} what do you want!?!?!?! Her response was simple, to the point. "You."
Yesterday at the gym, Matt and I were doing squats. Like times before, he was standing a little too close for my liking while I was squatting. I asked him to move back. He leaned forward, closer toward me, and with a smile on his face he asked "what did you say". I said "move back" and proceeded to donkey kick him. I wasn't aiming to hit him {maybe a slight graze as I thought he was antagonizing me}; I was looking at our reflection in the mirror, and didn't judge my distance very well. After that moment, the rest of the work out was rather solemn. After apologizing to him twice, his response was "I'm tired of your bullshit, I don't deserve it." In my usual manner {or so I've been told}, I turned the fight around, became defensive and we spent the rest of the night only talking to each other when necessary.
My bullshit...really. So today {you know, after a good night's sleep} I sit back and wonder what my bullshit encompasses. Is it my inability to fight, to fight fair? My selfishness that I see in my relationships with my children and my husband? My unhappiness with where I am in my career; do I even want a career {more on that in a second...on second thought that maybe a whole other blog entry}? That endless struggle to find acceptance with the body God gave me {it wears on you folks; it will weigh you down and control your mood if you let it, as I do}. Do I take too much out on Matt? Sure, he's my safe place. He's the one that knows everything about me, the good and the bad, and still loves me. In fact I think he loves me more when we're confronted with the bad. He doesn't turn his back on us. He doesn't let me just walk away and avoid whatever issue it is I want to avoid. 95% of the time, he's the one to come to me to end an argument. I'm lucky. I know I'm lucky.
If I'm so lucky, then why aren't I showing the people that mean the most to me how much I love them, care about them, how much they mean to me? Why is it that the people I love the most, I hurt the most? I have two happy and healthy children at home; we're not promised tomorrow. That horrible, unmentionable phone call could come at any second and yet when I get home tonight I bet I'll log onto some website before I play with my kids.
Where is the boundary between having time by/for yourself and being selfish? Do other moms and wives feel this way? How do you change a behavior that is such a big part of you? Better yet, how do I change when I'm not really sure what the bigger issue is?
I've said before {on here I believe} everything I do is for my family, but today I ask myself is it for my family or is it for me?
I've said before {on here I believe} everything I do is for my family, but today I ask myself is it for my family or is it for me?
3 comments:
Alright, thanks for the good cry..We're so alike, it's freakish..you're not a bad mom/wife and I guarantee you that 95% of women who read this feel exactly the same way..the other 5% are just kidding themselves :)..if you figure out the answers, let me know b/c I suffer from EVERY single thing you mentioned!
Such a great (and true) blog post. I wish I could do the things you speak of...step away from the computer, away from work, away from cleaning. It's definitely easier said than done. Thanks for the honest post!
I've never commented before, but wow. Thank you for your honesty. I really needed to know that someone else felt this way.
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