Five years ago today, I found out I was pregnant. I’m not a career oriented person or a big “go getter.” But I can tell you one thing that I have always wanted and that was to be a mom. It is the only thing I have ever known I wanted to be. Five years ago Matt and I were, unexpectedly, blessed and I began my own story in this rite of passage called motherhood. I mentioned Savannah’s dollies yesterday in my 10 on Tuesday, but let me be honest that was me 25 years ago. Every baby I saw, I wanted to take home. I begged my parents to adopt a baby when they were done having their own. To me being a mom and having my own children was and still is one of my only goals in life.
There is seriously a part of me that is so incredibly sad that I am already five years into this journey. It has been the best and most rewarding five years of my life. It has taught me a lot about myself: the person I should be, the person I want my children to remember me as, and what it means to be a daughter.
It has also been one of the more nerve-racking and stressful times of my life. Who would have thought that leaving your child for the first time over night could send someone into a whirlwind of anxiety and panic? Or that you could have so many “what-ifs” cross your mind just to be followed by heart wrenching, dark, unmentionable thoughts. Or that you could literally feel your heart break the first time someone did not want to play with your child. Or how upset you would be the first time your child broke a bone; their perfect, tiny bone that was created inside your body and how you would trade places and take that pain and discomfort from them without a second thought.
Let’s be honest I am only five years in to this; there is a lifetime out there of unknowns and obstacles that I can not control. But the last five years has been a chapter of “firsts” that is now over: the first time I felt a baby move inside of me, learning that not only was I going to be a mother to a healthy baby but a baby boy, the first time I laid eyes on my son, his first word (it was duck), his first steps, his first birthday, his first night in his big boy bed, his first day of preschool. I know there will be more “firsts” – the first day of Kindergarten, first time riding a bike without training wheels, driver’s license, first dates, prom, college, graduations (wow I really got ahead of myself for a second); however, my first chapter of “firsts” as a mother is coming to a close.
I cannot get those first five years back. I cannot shrink Caedmon down to that 6lb, 15 oz newborn he once was, or that chunky, thumb sucking, blanket carrying toddler, or even that three year old boy on his first day of preschool. He’s growing up; his longs are getting longer by the minute, I can count the number ribs in his lean torso, and that noggin…man he’s brilliant, or so we think.
I’m so lucky to be a mom, to be his mom and I’m in disbelief when I think that God had him planned for me, for us, all along. He planned for Matt and I to have a smart, affectionate, little guy with a killer sense of humor to call all our own and that to me is amazing. Even if my first “firsts” chapter is over; I know there are more to come and I am grateful for every second I get to be his mom.
There is seriously a part of me that is so incredibly sad that I am already five years into this journey. It has been the best and most rewarding five years of my life. It has taught me a lot about myself: the person I should be, the person I want my children to remember me as, and what it means to be a daughter.
It has also been one of the more nerve-racking and stressful times of my life. Who would have thought that leaving your child for the first time over night could send someone into a whirlwind of anxiety and panic? Or that you could have so many “what-ifs” cross your mind just to be followed by heart wrenching, dark, unmentionable thoughts. Or that you could literally feel your heart break the first time someone did not want to play with your child. Or how upset you would be the first time your child broke a bone; their perfect, tiny bone that was created inside your body and how you would trade places and take that pain and discomfort from them without a second thought.
Let’s be honest I am only five years in to this; there is a lifetime out there of unknowns and obstacles that I can not control. But the last five years has been a chapter of “firsts” that is now over: the first time I felt a baby move inside of me, learning that not only was I going to be a mother to a healthy baby but a baby boy, the first time I laid eyes on my son, his first word (it was duck), his first steps, his first birthday, his first night in his big boy bed, his first day of preschool. I know there will be more “firsts” – the first day of Kindergarten, first time riding a bike without training wheels, driver’s license, first dates, prom, college, graduations (wow I really got ahead of myself for a second); however, my first chapter of “firsts” as a mother is coming to a close.
I cannot get those first five years back. I cannot shrink Caedmon down to that 6lb, 15 oz newborn he once was, or that chunky, thumb sucking, blanket carrying toddler, or even that three year old boy on his first day of preschool. He’s growing up; his longs are getting longer by the minute, I can count the number ribs in his lean torso, and that noggin…man he’s brilliant, or so we think.
I’m so lucky to be a mom, to be his mom and I’m in disbelief when I think that God had him planned for me, for us, all along. He planned for Matt and I to have a smart, affectionate, little guy with a killer sense of humor to call all our own and that to me is amazing. Even if my first “firsts” chapter is over; I know there are more to come and I am grateful for every second I get to be his mom.
2 comments:
Dearest Daughter,
I have long said being a Mom was the hardest job I ever had...for a number of reasons. I look about and I see young parents with 3 daughters and it takes me back in time. There are some "firsts" I pray you never experience but others that you will not want to miss. Your children are God's gifts to you and may you enjoy them as much as I have loved and enjoyed our gifts even with the challenges that come with the gifts. Love you more today than yesterday and even more tomorrow. Mom
oh, dear Amanda. That was perfectly written. It made me cry happy tears.
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