It's funny, all day I've kind of patiently waited for tonight while dreading it at the same time. Matt and his dad have gone to the NY Rangers/Carolina Hurricanes game, Donna is at home with her family who drove 24 hours straight through from Texas to be here, the kids are in bed, and here I sit on the couch...all alone. Alone for the first time in days.
The dishes washed, the counters wiped down, the guest have all gone home....the flowers were ordered, photo collages completed, a picture of Nicole blown up and framed. There is no one to hug, hand a kleneex to, or get a glass of water for. No phone calls left to make. She's at peace now....unfortunately I'm not.
I haven't cried yet. I've cleaned though...which is my own way of crying. I've taken care of everyone that would let me. I even made Matt a "mixed tape" as I called the CD that I handed him. But I haven't stopped to let it all sink in....until tonight. Until the silence pentrates this house and the tears fall.
I have to be honest...I did not know Nicole all that well. I know she and Matt had a relationship that no one would get - the language they spoke - only they understood. I didn't share a childhood with her, I wasn't there during her turbulent years. I only know what I've heard and what I've been told.
As I sat at Donna's kitchen table yesterday putting together the collages I realized that there was so much more to Nicole- she was not always the troubled, sad girl that she was in her last days....she was a little girl, just like the one that sleeps upstairs in my house. She was a daughter, a sister, a friend, an Aunt..... She was happy at one time in her life and deep down inside I know she is happy now - happy to be at peace. There are no more voices, or a decade of baggage to carry. That is all gone now - her head is clear, her heart is open and her spirit is free.
The dishes washed, the counters wiped down, the guest have all gone home....the flowers were ordered, photo collages completed, a picture of Nicole blown up and framed. There is no one to hug, hand a kleneex to, or get a glass of water for. No phone calls left to make. She's at peace now....unfortunately I'm not.
I haven't cried yet. I've cleaned though...which is my own way of crying. I've taken care of everyone that would let me. I even made Matt a "mixed tape" as I called the CD that I handed him. But I haven't stopped to let it all sink in....until tonight. Until the silence pentrates this house and the tears fall.
I have to be honest...I did not know Nicole all that well. I know she and Matt had a relationship that no one would get - the language they spoke - only they understood. I didn't share a childhood with her, I wasn't there during her turbulent years. I only know what I've heard and what I've been told.
As I sat at Donna's kitchen table yesterday putting together the collages I realized that there was so much more to Nicole- she was not always the troubled, sad girl that she was in her last days....she was a little girl, just like the one that sleeps upstairs in my house. She was a daughter, a sister, a friend, an Aunt..... She was happy at one time in her life and deep down inside I know she is happy now - happy to be at peace. There are no more voices, or a decade of baggage to carry. That is all gone now - her head is clear, her heart is open and her spirit is free.
1 comment:
beautifully stated. and to think, it takes some people years to find those words. I hope the family is coping as well. Love you all.
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